We’re on bum status right now.  Regrouping and will be back soon good people.

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GUEST BLOGGER

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Educational

1) Actually admits that he hates reading anything, not even the sports page…or the Sunday comics…

2) Only writes in cursive so that he can leave out the letters he’s not sure about

3) Gets Obama and Osama confused…”Man I just be forgetting sometime girl”

4)  Went to college just to pledge…

Entertainment

1)  Sportcenter is your only source for news and information

2) Can quote every line from the movie Friday, but has no idea who wrote and/or directed it

3) Only listens to rap and thinks r&b is weak and those are the only categories of music that count anyway…what’s that strange background noise on the hook with the nice melody?

4) Thinks reality television is real…

Religion

1) I go to church too much…don’t worry you don’t have to come

2) Constantly insists that the devil is busy…all the time…and the devil and the white man are working together to keep you down…

3) Wears pastel colored suits in the spring, with black socks…this is my list!

4) You have a picture of a Brad Pitt-esque Jesus in YOUR house

That’s Just Too Much

1) Cologne…are you covering the scent of a dead body, come on

2) You have a larger closet than I do…in your grandmama’s house…and why do you have plastic covering the seats of your Lincoln…and why does it smell like rosewater in here…

3) My spa day ended at 2pm…it’s 9 pm and you’re just finishing up your facial…

4) Every other word out of your mouth is a curse word…if you read more you’d have a larger vocabulary

5) Too many baby mamas…and you call all of them trifling b**ches

Okay…that’s different…

1) Your braids looked nice…but I can’t get down with the press and curl for special occasions

2) You need to be honest with me…you and your wife have been having problems for years…

3) After lunch and a couple of late night text sessions, you know me well enough to say, ”Baby, you think you could let me hold ‘bout fifty bucks so this girl won’t report me to the child support folks”

4) You can’t understand why my 10 year old can’t watch the other two while we go out…they’ll be asleep anyway

Not Worth a Second Look

(I had to include this one because some of these guys actually think they can pull women under these circumstances…not happening over here hon!)

1) Grabbing my behind, as if your touch will make me forget the fact that I don’t even know who you are

2) Psssssssssst, hey girl, psssssst…I don’t want to know your secret

3) Waiting until the girl you’re with goes to the bathroom and coming over trying to get my number…and some of you don’t wait

4) You don’t have a phone…not a land line, cell phone, work number…nothing…if you’re that “organic” as Epiphany says, I’m the wrong woman for you

5) You say “Ima settle down when I get old…like 30 or something”, keep it moving baby boy!

I'm lying...this aint no deal breaker. Photoshop or not, I'd slap a unicyle on that mug and we'd be straight. Word to good parking.

I’ve grown, morphed, and have been stretched into ways of thinking and acceptance that the younger me would have never thought imaginable.  Still in our brave new world of everything goes and nothing is wrong, I must stand apart.  I just aint for some of these activities that stay poppin off.  Well, let me restate and be more specific.  I’m understanding of tolerance and people growing in their own time, but when it comes to my kickin it pahtna’s of the female persuasion, lines must be drawn.  So ladies and gents of IATL, I present to you some of my DEAL BREAKERS…

Remember, these are MY deal breakers.  Womens, you don’t have to like them or respect me afterwards, but know if you don’t then you probably fit two or more of the categories…

HISTORICAL

1) Can’t name any civil rights leaders beside the Two Big M’s (Martin & Malcolm)

2) Thinks a swastika is a cool-like design for a tattoo

3) Can easily be persuaded into believing that Ghandi is a bench player for the Lakers  (a sad, but true story)

4) Attempts to argue that slavery was a good thing for Black people

5) Thought the ending to “Inglorious Basterds” was historically based

ENTERTAINMENT (Movies & TV)

1) Two of her top 3 favorite movies star Tyrese, LL Cool J, and/or Tyler Perry

2) Can name all the Flava of Love spinoffs and more than 25 characters in alphabetical order, but when you mention Public Enemy she gives the blank face

3) When speaking about Ice Cube and NWA she asks if that movie came out before or after “Are We There Yet?”

4) Is allergic to books, documentaries, and music that doesn’t cause non-face cheeks to clap

5) Isn’t down with watching “The Incredibles” (That’s just how a brotha gets down)

"Please say the 'baby'!"

SHE HAS MORE THAN ONE:

1) Gold tooth

2) Car while living with her parents

3) Divorce

4) Hair highlight color at the same time

5) Tat of a guys name

*Note:  In most of the above cases, ONE occurence of this might be the deal breaker.  But, I’ve learned to be open-minded to the mistakes we make.

YOU HAD ME AT HELLO…THEN LOST ME

1) Asks me when I’m gonna use my degree and makes references to me not having a real job

2) She looks absolutely nothing like she did from our first encounter or when she’s not under club lights (a la “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka”)

3) Talks like a person with a decent command of the English language in front of me, but when first seeing/hearing her around her friends, sentences like,

• “We the boss b**ches in this heeya motha fu@&er!!!”
• ” These hoes out here aint fu**ing with us!!!”
• “If I put this p*#@y on a nigga, I bet he go blind!!!”
• And other phrases that cause me to use asterisks, ampersands, and number signs when typing come out of her mouth

4) Doesn’t have an email address  (And that’s not b/c she’s Amish, anti-technology, or “organic”.)

5) I realize that that moth ball-like fragrance or tombstone-tongue breath she had wasn’t just a one time thing

"Man...and they wonder why Mary Magdalene wanted to be around me? Even my curls got curls."

RELIGION (Christianity)

The below are only problematic if persist.

1) Never 2nd guessed and thinks it’s extra cool-like to portray Jesus as a pretty boy long-haired Brad Pitt

2) You love the stories about Jesus in the Old Testament

3) Argues about taking EVERYTHING in the Bible literally, yet she has both eyes and hands (Mtth 5:29-30)

4) Completely closed to the fact of considering, analyzing, or respecting other religious/spiritual teachings not realizing if people of other religions/spiritualities did the same they would never consider, analyze, or respect yours

5) Only goes to church on CME Sundays and takes up all the pew spots knowing I don’t come til late.  (Hella petty and probably counter-productive on my part, I know, but look, you aint been coming…just stay at home or hit the overflow.)

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That’s it for now, but there’s more acoming.  Til we meet again…

If any womens would like to offer their deal-breakers about dudes, please let us know.  We would love your input.  Hit us up:  admin@iamthelife.net

"Oooooweee, some fool better get behind this quick."

I’ve stated this before and I’ll state it again:  My mom is a virgin.  I need no rebuttals about how ignorant that statement is or chuckles from folks who think I’m playing b/c aint really too much humor in what I’m spitting.  And her four pregnancies weren’t even of the Allen Iverson/we were just hugging and he got happy variety, I’m talking bout full on immaculate, lil white baby Jesus, conception.  Shoot, I even have proof since my dad wasn’t even living in the same state when my youngest sister was conceived.  (Well, really it left 3 options:  a) the explanation for our free magazines through dad’s frequent flyer miles sneaking in some Redeye loving w/ moms b) the reason why mom’s co-worker always was down to help her analyze her reports OR c) full on immaculate lil white baby Jesus conception.   “C” it is.)

Truth be told, I get a lil bit of VS (vomit spit) when my parents play “cuddle games” or talk of holding hands.   And this aint no Oedipus Complex junk, it’s just that my dad did dirt and in my bluebird flying daisy field perception of my mom, I’m unsure if she even knows what the “S” word is (although she made me read that book when I was 13 w/ the lil drawing of the girls and their nub breast to let me know of the “feelings” I was sposed to be having soon.)  And even though that’s my innocent mom, I still would be slightly bothered if my mom was of the more typical variety and I saw her do some things that are usually considered natural for womens.  You see, I’ve kicked it w/ a few mom’s now, and I can proudly say that I only tried to violate them when their kids weren’t around.  Still, in this world of keenly observant children, youtube, and snitches, I know some of these youth nowadays find out their mom makes her booty clap.

I mean, take the below clip for example where Dwight Howard’s baby’s moms, Royce Reed, is in a contest doing a derriere calisthenics for…(wait on it)…Clippers tickets.

My nigglet, your ex-man plays for the team that made it to the finals last year, a team that you used to dance for, and now you’re scrubbing the ground for the team in LA  that Baron Davis doesn’t even root for?  You put your vertebrae’s on centipede for that?  Word?  Imagine when young shoulderpads gets old enough and sees his mom dukes cheeks has 50,000+ youtube views not even counting my 25 (b/c please believe I’d holla at your moms in your lil face).  When I was younger, and the inevitable joneing matches would occur, I could stand solid in the fact people didn’t know what my mom dukes did, but it’s kinda different when they can pull up your mom p-popping on a handstand on their smartphone like “Exhibit A that your mom is a go-liver.”  That’s not joneing, that’s proof.

"Mom...why when I google'd you the name "Superhead" keeps popping up? It's because your smart right?"

I know.  I know. You’re saying, “But Piph, that’s a lil excessive.  She’ll probably look back with regrets wishing she coulda shielded her child from it.  Also, when you’re a celebrity (or pseudo-celebrity) the playing field is different.”  Ok, I feel you, so let’s look at something that’s probably more common and socially acceptable like the below Dorito’s Superbowl commercial.  “Keep your hands off my momma.  Keep your hands off my Doritos.”

You see although the spot is funny, I think it brings a good point to light in that “lil 5 fingers to the face” knows what ole boy was about.  The youngin saw his mom’s calf structure, he peeped her “seen some kickin it nights” crows feet eyes, and knew that it didn’t just come from hours on the stepper at the gym.  He saw ole boy lean back in his “Damn Miss Parker” way and knew that it didn’t mean that the cat was a bad dude, it just meant he was a regular man.  Also that boy knew given the right man, the right margarita, the right lounge, and the right song, mom dukes would inevitably 180 that thang back on some dudes tenderloins.  Not even on the applause tip, but simply because she was feeling real good.

What’s right or wrong?  The debate will rage on, but it is what it be.  Although I do have heavy opinions on some/many actions done in front of children, people are made sensual beings, and when the kids are already in the world their gonna peep some of it.  I guess we can only do the realistic best we can, but mothers just remember, when your cheeks get that tingling sensation, before you unleash the beast, perhaps it would be best to check that there’s no Flipcam on deck and lil Suzy aint peeping through the door crack, or you may wonder why she insists to keep the move at 1:02 in her routine:

-piph

NOTE:  I actually found the lil girl’s routine above quite dope and impressive and I was more so joking.  I coulda found one of them old extra shocking lil child “dancing” videos, but wasn’t really trynna give any more pub to that then it already gets.  Them junks hurt my soul (which says a lot considering how cold my soul already is).

Thank God for progression.

I'm sorry ya'll. These highschool pics of Lil Jon get me every time. Makes me think that the Dave Chappelle skit wasn't that far off.

From time to time, I listen to my old music footage for a reference point.  I usually embark on these adventures by myself, not trynna hear the witty or “you gotta start somewhere” remarks from my people as they search for something complimentary to speak on.  I don’t trip on the suspect material I once made b/c as an artist I’m sposed to be improving and/or different now from then.  That’s part of learning and mastering the craft.  Because everybody who got good at what they do came UP from somewhere though.    Don’t believe me?  Cool.  Why don’t we look to some clips of present day stars just to see what I’m talking about.

Play-by-Play time…

TYRESE

0:00

The mood is set off top by the extra wide-eyed host with the signature old-school rayon/cotton blend shirt (note how the collar matches nothing until his sleeves show up) stuttering over his questions with extra emphasized hand motions.  The young “Dominique Wilkins haired” Tyrese follows suit by showing no allusion to his future ” I can make your momma feel milky” self by seeming extra shy despite his claims of being an outgoing person.

:42

As Tyrese continues to bumble his shifty eyed way through the questions revealing that PR & media relations folks are good investments, the most awkward video edit comes in at :50 so the announcer can show off his “stay tuned and enjoy” finger point that he’s worked on in the mirror for weeks.

I guess this is how some clippers and P90X will do you. His belly button looks like the Illuminati eye though. Conspiracy theorists UNITE!!!

0:56

Whooaaa…shaky start there cowboy.  Them aint the sounds of lovemaking…  Still one can’t front as Young Ty definitely has a voice better than most highschool folks especially considering he’s got the extra sponge padding on the My 1st Toshiba mic.  You can instantly tell the boy has a gift as his voice and “my shirt is so big my pocket is under my armpit” presence completely drowns out the slightly too small backdrop and other closet remnants chillin in the cut.

1:33

No doubt.  Dude’s passion is real.  And despite the lack of a “Ribbon in the Sky” instrumental, at 1:46 he provides his own mini beat box to let the critics know he don’t need no stinking music.  Also, at 1:53 he shows he don’t need no stinking choreography as his shoulders give the catalyst for in sync vocal calesthetics unwitnessed by mankind to date.

2:09

After taking one of them hellafied swallows that all performers know about but usually mask a little better (the chin hair swipe didn’t work killa), he continues to illustrate his mastery of his surroundings by still not opening his eyes.  No need as he rounds out his performance by hitting full stride by belting runs and capping it all off at 3:20 with making a face that he wouldn’t have done if he knew about the pause button.

3:24

Knowing he shut “N-the-Hood” down, he flashes the money making smile and does his confident-coy step knowing that he secured a date with at least the 6th flyest girl in school for prom.  Obviously it was money well spent on the stonewashes. Coca Cola will be calling soon.

Neyo

:00

Hmmmmm…we’re gonna guess the time is circa de Jodeci.  After the homey Snow’s pre-pubescent vocal pitch breaks up the vibe, we run into Golga(?) who we can identify as a young red-haired future great songwriter.  We also witness Steve Harvey monkey boying the kids’ Fazzio’s 5-for-1 specials, not fully realizing that his stylist bought his suit from the same store in a different section.

:40

The boy band are enjoying their Steve Harvey intro on stage as they continuously laugh at his jokes.  (Well, everybody except the first cat and obvious Devante of the group who is a lil too cool to chuckle.)  After realizing he’s laughing too much and cannot show that much of his true sense of humor until he’s written at least one hit for Beyonce, the young Neyo tightens up promptly at 1:00 realizing that G’s don’t smile.

1:30

Taking a cue from Tyrese’s 1st note trainer from the Tyrese video in this post, the group starts off very Sandman worthy.  It is around 1:50 that Neyo looks to his right and realizes he should be solo.  However, before fully abandoning his squad on the spot and right after spotting the definition of fear on Devante and Snow’s face at 2:06, Neyo saves the group by cuing a complex choreographed move that would put the Jabberwokees to shame at 2:15.

2:16

This is one of these poses the photographer throws out as a joke knowing nobody's gonna fa real do. I guess Golgol fooled them huh?

As they continue their Kappa League dance routine, the vocals actually seem to improve.  Still…we’re not outta the water yet.

2:45

Shplammmm…Devante takes the lead, hits the hydraulics, and utters some hellafied off key unintelligible speech that translates to:  “My family was way to supportive of my artistic ambitions.  Word to the Yes Men.”

3:19

Naaw, it still aint over baby…  A cappella Game Proper as the young killas hop into some “oh-oh’s” and gives shout outs to not just the East, but the West side too.

3:35

Happy not to have been boo’d completely off stage, Young Neyo/Golgol and company scurry off stage, not realizing that they were sposed to return the mics.  As they do so, Neyo begins to contemplate a song writing career as the rest of the group begins to get their story together for the eventual Neyo Behind the Music.

3:49

One ignant nigga gets that last boo in.  Classic.

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I must apologize.  After being impressed by the Lil Wayne, Eminem, and Drake performance at the Grammy’s yesterday (despite half of it was in silence), I tried to find some early “worthy” performance footage of them, but came up short.  I guess they were always cold performers. Word to Drake’s stanky leg at 1:00.

Mashonda, don't be surprised. This is the same dude who produced "On to the Next One".

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GUEST BLOGGER

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Okay, so, me and Andrew J. “I’m Rick James Bitch” Parker II was goin at it on Sean’s FB page one day right, and some folks thought it might be a good idea to feature us as guest bloggers…bloggists….whatever, on this wonderful blog site IATL…by the way, Sean, I AM getting paid for this right? Anyway, while me and Sean work out the details of my pecuniary fee, let me formally introduce myself to the ROCK and abroad…Nahh, I ain’t from here. I’m from a little fameless city called Moncks Corner. Where else could that be located than in the state of …yup, and you guessed it, South Carolina (where else right? Well, maybe Mississippi was a good guess…).Yes, I am geechie…so cooking, clairvoyancey and plottin on how to get the confederate flag off the top of state building are on the top of my resume…I write a lil, ball a lil, and elevate peoples level of thinking a lil. I mostly pride myself on being able to cover my tabs, decipher bullshit, and being okay with missing First Friday. My blackness usually will not allow me to confirm or deny my absolute love of raw fish, Quentin Tarantino, and country music…okay well, maybe not country music, but I like that Taylor Swift chic, she can sang. Enjoy the blog.

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DEAR MARRIED MEN,

I SNITCH.

THANKS,

MANAGEMENT

So a newly made friend and I were having a conversation about social tolerance. And according to his definition, I discovered two things about myself. I discovered that I am, in fact, a conservative and not this left wing, pro choice liberal that I previously had claimed to be, and that if I didn’t change sides soon, the likelihood of me having the title of wife was as probable as the Bush Administration admitting that the War on Terrorism is a joke.

The conversation started off by my newly made friend commenting how proud he was that his friend waited until he was “ready” to get married. How he was happy that he did it for the right reasons, with the right woman etc, etc… This would have been a pretty mediocre statement if he

Some photoshop people have no heart.

hadn’t gone on to say that even though he “knows” his friend will cheat on his wife, he is happy to see his friend married…okay, now…if you just read that statement and you are saying to yourself “ yeah… and?” Your social tolerance has been driven into a phenomenal state I like to call “deliberate disconnection”. This is where we, as productive members of society, are so overwhelmed with the existence of a societal problem, that in order to “deal” with it, we accept it; in turn, deliberately disconnecting ourselves from the substantive underlying issues it possesses.

After a short debate on the subject I was told that I was too “conservative”, I didn’t act my “age” and that I was probably never going to have a successful relationship because my expectations were too high. NOW MIND YOU…the only factor considered in our debate was the one of infidelity. I was told that I was being unrealistic if I expected my bf, fiancé, husband to have sex with me and only me…I digress.

To document this condition (on a small insignificant scale of course) I decided to keep a record of the relationship statuses of the men that approached me in the last quarter of 2009. Out of the 8 “new” men that approached me from October to December, 3 of them were married and 4 of them were in relationships. NOW, I know what you men reading this are thinking, “…well she must be throwing herself out there to be pursued by these guys, she must be doing something to draw attention to herself…” NAY I say unto you…and even if I was, you can not justify to me the action of a married man seeking his needs outside his marriage…whatever they may be.

It’s not a little known fact that marriage is not only a covenant with the person you supposedly love, but also with the head of your life, and the maker of your existence. Have we gotten so lax that even the basic threads of society are no longer sacred, no longer respected? What happened to the day when our last names were the most cherished possession we had, ex: Kunta Kinte, or when family was the only stock we could invest in as slaves when our only solace was the education of our children? Are we perpetuating the very thing that slave drivers relied on; the separation of the strong virile black man from his family for the purposes of propagation? When did it all become okay? Because one thing is for sure, at one point, it wasn’t.

"Hayyy baby...Unfortunately Daddy's not gonna be around. But don't worry, my new boo's royalty checks will help get you through college. Plus she's a strong, uplifting example of what a good woman should be."

Okay, okay I hear you…those of you thinking “well what about the ancient Egyptians who had many wives, and sex servants, not to mention the many men of the bible who had many wives, concubines and slave women…men weren’t meant to be with one woman only…” to you I say this…let’s not be so naïve that you interweave modern day society to those societies of ancient Kemet. That is a different blog for a different day. But I will say this…Adam was given one gift from God, Eve.

So what is my point? Stop accepting any old thing. Stop becoming immune to people who cheat. Let’s make each other accountable for this social problem. Men, instead of listening to a married friend describe how fat his jump off’s ass is, sit him down and help him focus on what is important. Women, stop enabling your married friends to hide their affairs. Let’s, as a society, expect more of each other. Damn!

If we don’t change our social tolerances in regards to cheating, “conservative” people like me will be forced to move to some Middle Eastern country where the wage for infidelity is getting an acid face wash or public defamation. Shoot, maybe we could learn something from those cultures…they do have the lowest crime rates in the world. But I don’t know…those Hijab’s would do nothing for my figure.

-become the change you desire

RDB

Welp 2010 is here and 2009 is gone like a crackhead on payday…And you  know normally I don’t make any resolutions..Mainly because I aint GONNA DO em…Yeah thats right…I am old enough and smart enough to review my past 25 years of living and realize that I aint gonna do nothing but disappoint myself next year when I realize that those 20 lbs that I said I was gonna lose before February..really resulted in having to add another “X” on my shirt size in March or although I really do plan on reading through the entire Bible in a year…I realized that the book of Genesis reaaalllllly is a very interesting book or making plans to celebrating my anniversary with my baby gal in some luxurious resort that requires a passport….Only to be at Wal-Mart on April 26th..getting roses and some whip cream before checking into a spot where the only thing that is required is a credit card for the first (and only) night stay and a valid driver’s license…BUT….On the real 2010 is going to be the best year of my life!!!!…I AM THE LIFE and this blog is going to be my personal journal for the world to read and witness all the blessing that God has poured upon me and my folks!(I had to get that off my chest bc Momma Fresh aint never raised no quitter…Now she may have raised a nigga that totally abuses the double negative rule..But a quitter? Nawwl) But I also have my predictions for 2010 and of course to explain those,  I had to look towards the stars…Peep Game….

PREDICTION #1

First of all I believe that Ye will come back and completely take over the music industry… He has had time to sit back and think and also work on creating another masterpiece (although I believe 808s & Heartbreak was not one)…Plus since he has sold his soul to the devil you know that the Devil is gonna keep his end of the deal….

Shortly after he drops that bomb on the world..I predict that you will marry Amber Rose and they will become the new……

Ice T & CoCo

PREDICTION #2

Tiger Woods will release a series of sex tapes and get most of his endorsement $$$ back when KY Jelly picks him up…. He then will come back (pun intended) to the game of golf and win EVERY tournament that he enters! How did I figure that? Glad you asked…Well I figured that if Tiger Woods could be focused and become the greatest golfer of ALL TIME in the midst of slicing up womens and hoes  across the globe..Well…ummmm…What could he do when he has been forced to limit the bust-it-wide open actions to his wife annnnnd maybe the new quiet cook at his local Waffle House….GREATNESS AWAITS!

PREDICTION #3

Obama will be the first President to admit to smoking that happy smoke WHILE IN office…YES INDEED..That sticky icky icky…You see they are taking Obama through the pits with the health care issues then HE had to break another promise and send over 30k troops around to rep for the hood now you got some white dude (Rod Blagojevich) coming out saying that he is blacker than YOU…Where is that blunt when you need it!? Well…since the blunt will be intact, the only other method of releasing that pressure is…YES INDEED….Busting it wide…Therefore I also predict that Michelle Obama will be the first 1st lady to become pregnant while in the White House….

Opps…Wrong Pic!!

Thats better!

So there you have it..Those are a few of my predictions for the wonderful year of 2010…But I urge you all to make a resolution or 6 because if you don’t believe in your growth and development …Then no one else will…To all the lil shiny kids in Africa…Just believe and you can become! Happy and Prosperous New YEAR! Gone.

We love ya'll too.

It’s been a good year for IATL and we appreciate riding w/ ya’ll through it.  Now pardon us as we take the remainder of this year off for reflection and plan to come bigger and better for 2010 w/ that IATL goodness.

Ya’ll enjoy the holidays.

You know as of late..I have been trying to be a better mate and open up the lines of communication  with my baby gal and although I sometimes wish that a crow bar would fly in her mouth while she is talking…Well….For the most part, this communication thing aint half bad…You see, the other night she wanted to pour her lil shiny soul out to me and express just how much she loves a G …Awwww..But then shortly afterwards she decided to talk about how she was worrying  about my music career… Where is that flying crow bar when you need it!  Well as my face was like, Speak on it, my Lil Pretty Chocolate Thang..My mind was somewhere else (Duke vs. Wisconsin)…So as she continued to talk and I pretended to listen by occasionally making weird “I understand” faces and nodding my head as if I was agreeing with her…In the midst of all that, I accidentally heard her say something about finding a way to get MORE money on these niggaz bc record sales alone aint gone assure that she can finally stop shopping out of Target’s 75% off racks….But it was at that moment that I decided to stop watching the Duke vs. Wisconsin game and actually listen to her…Ok.Ok..OK…really the game was over and I was hoping that if  I actually looked her in the eyes while she was talking to me that..maybe….just maybe…she would confuse this with an intimate moment and give me some inspiration to remix a Luke Skywalker song. She didn’t..BUT, she HAD a good point…And since she still had her pants on, I continued to listen….And at the end of the discussion, I could only think of two things…

1. Maybe if I rub her leg and look her in the eyes then maybe we can go ahead and get this Luke Skywalker remix popping..

2. What else could I do that isnt selling out and something that I also love  (besides doing what every Black person dreams of doing and  open up a barber shop/beauty salon) in order to get MORE $$$$..Hmmmmm?

So I knocked on the doors of the  internet and did what I always do…

A. Check my email to see if them Africans that have a ton of money but have nowhere to put it…Have sent my check for $100 billion dollars in hopes that I will give their cousin-in-laws in America some cab fare money….

B. Go to my favorite sites and get some inspiration…

And as soon them doors cracked open…Who did I see? ..Yes Indeed, Uncle Snoop…Peep Game.

So I started to think..(shortly after I pondered what it would be like if Too $hort did a GPS voice over and hearing him say B*&^H whenever you make a wrong turn…) how can I use my natural talents and resources in order to expand my getting money scheme? So I wrote down some things that I have a grand knowledge of and then I evaluated how I can be innovative in my approach to use this knowledge to get $$$…And I came to realize through deep resource that there is one thing that I have intense training in….Drumroll please!

HOES

Who photoshopped that man’s chest on that woman in the chart? Not funny.

Yes. That is it! After thinking for so so so long…I have finally realized what my calling is..And that is to help the hoes of the world..WHY? Simply bc HOES GONNA EAT TOO!  Now let me say now that I am not talking about our beautiful women when I speak about these hoes…But I am talking about..THESE HOES…of course..You see I have been studying this species for quite some time now and just like my own people..these hoes may be known as endangered species soon simply because they are killing themselves…So in order to stop the bleeding, I have decided to start the very 1st HOE COLLEGE…But unlike most colleges, were one must submit an application and also submit test scores..well…we here at IATL HOE COLLEGE will not be taking application! NOT ONE…..But instead, we have a tried and tested method that we will be using called the SNATCH A HOE method..Now I dont believe that you can truly change a hoe so this college isnt going to try to change em but instead educate them…Yes THIS IS A COLLEGE…And the 1st hoe that I would snatch up for this prestigious college would be…….

Yes…it brings me great pleasure to introduce the first entry…… Jaimee Grubbs…Yes indeed…Tiger’s side piece of wet thigh…Wait….Wait…Wait…Let’s take a look at Tiger’s response……

Now…Now…Tiger no need to get all excited..Because we here at IATL HOE COLLEGE are striving to  be the Stanford and Yale amongst other institutions…SO…not only are we snatching up Jamiee but we are recruiting one of the strongest classes EVER and we will be snatching up YOUR ENTIRE ROSTER! YES….Now, not only do we have a starting 5 but we also have a practice squad! Allow me to introduce the IATLHC All-Stars……Clap for em!!!!!!!

2.)    Rachel Uchitel (PG). The club hostess was the first of the women to be linked to Woods after the National Enquirer reported that she traveled to Australia to be with Woods during a golf tournament there. So far, she has denied the affair.

3.)    Kalika Moquin. The 27-year-old club manager from Las Vegas is reported to have had a brief sexual relationship with Woods. She would neither confirm nor deny the report.

4.)    Cori Rist. The 31-year-old swimsuit model reportedly met Woods at a Manhattan club last year before they began a sexual relationship that led to Woods flying her out to various secret locations for hook-ups, and her introducing the golfer to her 7-year-old son.

5.)    Jamie Jungers. The 26-year-old, who sold her story to a British newspaper, is a former employee of Trashy Girls Lingerie. She said she met Woods in Las Vegas.

6.)    Mindy Lawton. The 33-year-old pancake house waitress from Orlando claims she was dumped by Woods in 2007. According to the Post, it was her affair with Woods that was caught on camera by the National Enquirer, when he was snapped dropping her off at her trailer park. The threatening news later led to a Woods Men’s Fitness cover in exchange for the magazine’s silence about the alleged affair, the New York Post reports.

7.)    Holly Sampson. The 36-year-old from Los Angeles is a former porn star, who has starred in such films as “OMG, Stop Tickling Me” and “Flying Solo 2.” According to the Sun, she has neither confirmed nor denied her affair with Woods.

8.)    Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 8 (Inactive). A former cocktail waitress from Orlando, Fla. does want to reveal her identity yet, according to her attorney Michael O’Quinn. But this she has said: at the time the affair allegedly began, she was 20 years old and met Woods at the Roxy in Orlando, where she was a VIP server.

9.)    Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 9 (Inactive)is reported to be a “sexy” British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married.

10.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 10(Inactive). is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.”

Now..Now…Another reaction for Tiger……..

Wait!… So you taking ALL MY HOES?

Yes indeed…All of them!!…You see as I stated before that the goal for IATLHC isnt to change a hoe but instead educate a hoe….And the 1st lesson that our college will teach is to never expose YOURSELF!! You see there are great benefits that come with being a side hoe of someone of great magnitude….And once you expose yourself…Although you believe that you are coming clean and setting the record straight…Really…Nobody hears you when you are speaking bc the world is looking at your breasticles and anus and pretty lips..pondering if you partake in Lewinsky methods…And you will still be seen as a hoe…Of course you may get to write a book or go on a few talk shows for about a month or two…But after that when someone googles your name..It will forever state YOUR NAME-FAMOUS PERSON’s side hoe….

So to our 1st class ..I leave them with this…TIGER WOODS IS A BILLIONAIRE! A BILLIONAIRE…So if you going to go to college and hoe around anyway and hope to get a decent job where you will probably bust -it- wide open until you are the executive assistant..Well..you might as well continue to work (hoe) for a billion dollar company (Tiger Wood) and then you can set your own salary and get $$$ before you EXPOSED YOURSELF and then you can add your book money on to that..SMH…Class dismissed….

Oh and thanks sweetie for the talk…WE GONE MAKE IT with this one!!!!!!..I believe we will be able to move from the 75% off racks to the 30% off racks…real soon, baby..REAL SOON!

And what is a college without a theme song?