Your Mom Makes Her Booty Clap

"Oooooweee, some fool better get behind this quick."

I’ve stated this before and I’ll state it again:  My mom is a virgin.  I need no rebuttals about how ignorant that statement is or chuckles from folks who think I’m playing b/c aint really too much humor in what I’m spitting.  And her four pregnancies weren’t even of the Allen Iverson/we were just hugging and he got happy variety, I’m talking bout full on immaculate, lil white baby Jesus, conception.  Shoot, I even have proof since my dad wasn’t even living in the same state when my youngest sister was conceived.  (Well, really it left 3 options:  a) the explanation for our free magazines through dad’s frequent flyer miles sneaking in some Redeye loving w/ moms b) the reason why mom’s co-worker always was down to help her analyze her reports OR c) full on immaculate lil white baby Jesus conception.   “C” it is.)

Truth be told, I get a lil bit of VS (vomit spit) when my parents play “cuddle games” or talk of holding hands.   And this aint no Oedipus Complex junk, it’s just that my dad did dirt and in my bluebird flying daisy field perception of my mom, I’m unsure if she even knows what the “S” word is (although she made me read that book when I was 13 w/ the lil drawing of the girls and their nub breast to let me know of the “feelings” I was sposed to be having soon.)  And even though that’s my innocent mom, I still would be slightly bothered if my mom was of the more typical variety and I saw her do some things that are usually considered natural for womens.  You see, I’ve kicked it w/ a few mom’s now, and I can proudly say that I only tried to violate them when their kids weren’t around.  Still, in this world of keenly observant children, youtube, and snitches, I know some of these youth nowadays find out their mom makes her booty clap.

I mean, take the below clip for example where Dwight Howard’s baby’s moms, Royce Reed, is in a contest doing a derriere calisthenics for…(wait on it)…Clippers tickets.

My nigglet, your ex-man plays for the team that made it to the finals last year, a team that you used to dance for, and now you’re scrubbing the ground for the team in LA  that Baron Davis doesn’t even root for?  You put your vertebrae’s on centipede for that?  Word?  Imagine when young shoulderpads gets old enough and sees his mom dukes cheeks has 50,000+ youtube views not even counting my 25 (b/c please believe I’d holla at your moms in your lil face).  When I was younger, and the inevitable joneing matches would occur, I could stand solid in the fact people didn’t know what my mom dukes did, but it’s kinda different when they can pull up your mom p-popping on a handstand on their smartphone like “Exhibit A that your mom is a go-liver.”  That’s not joneing, that’s proof.

"Mom...why when I google'd you the name "Superhead" keeps popping up? It's because your smart right?"

I know.  I know. You’re saying, “But Piph, that’s a lil excessive.  She’ll probably look back with regrets wishing she coulda shielded her child from it.  Also, when you’re a celebrity (or pseudo-celebrity) the playing field is different.”  Ok, I feel you, so let’s look at something that’s probably more common and socially acceptable like the below Dorito’s Superbowl commercial.  “Keep your hands off my momma.  Keep your hands off my Doritos.”

You see although the spot is funny, I think it brings a good point to light in that “lil 5 fingers to the face” knows what ole boy was about.  The youngin saw his mom’s calf structure, he peeped her “seen some kickin it nights” crows feet eyes, and knew that it didn’t just come from hours on the stepper at the gym.  He saw ole boy lean back in his “Damn Miss Parker” way and knew that it didn’t mean that the cat was a bad dude, it just meant he was a regular man.  Also that boy knew given the right man, the right margarita, the right lounge, and the right song, mom dukes would inevitably 180 that thang back on some dudes tenderloins.  Not even on the applause tip, but simply because she was feeling real good.

What’s right or wrong?  The debate will rage on, but it is what it be.  Although I do have heavy opinions on some/many actions done in front of children, people are made sensual beings, and when the kids are already in the world their gonna peep some of it.  I guess we can only do the realistic best we can, but mothers just remember, when your cheeks get that tingling sensation, before you unleash the beast, perhaps it would be best to check that there’s no Flipcam on deck and lil Suzy aint peeping through the door crack, or you may wonder why she insists to keep the move at 1:02 in her routine:

-piph

NOTE:  I actually found the lil girl’s routine above quite dope and impressive and I was more so joking.  I coulda found one of them old extra shocking lil child “dancing” videos, but wasn’t really trynna give any more pub to that then it already gets.  Them junks hurt my soul (which says a lot considering how cold my soul already is).