I Do Have a Chance: Tyrese & Neyo edition

aka “Your Favorite Artist Used to Suck”

Thank God for progression.

I'm sorry ya'll. These highschool pics of Lil Jon get me every time. Makes me think that the Dave Chappelle skit wasn't that far off.

From time to time, I listen to my old music footage for a reference point.  I usually embark on these adventures by myself, not trynna hear the witty or “you gotta start somewhere” remarks from my people as they search for something complimentary to speak on.  I don’t trip on the suspect material I once made b/c as an artist I’m sposed to be improving and/or different now from then.  That’s part of learning and mastering the craft.  Because everybody who got good at what they do came UP from somewhere though.    Don’t believe me?  Cool.  Why don’t we look to some clips of present day stars just to see what I’m talking about.

Play-by-Play time…

TYRESE

0:00

The mood is set off top by the extra wide-eyed host with the signature old-school rayon/cotton blend shirt (note how the collar matches nothing until his sleeves show up) stuttering over his questions with extra emphasized hand motions.  The young “Dominique Wilkins haired” Tyrese follows suit by showing no allusion to his future ” I can make your momma feel milky” self by seeming extra shy despite his claims of being an outgoing person.

:42

As Tyrese continues to bumble his shifty eyed way through the questions revealing that PR & media relations folks are good investments, the most awkward video edit comes in at :50 so the announcer can show off his “stay tuned and enjoy” finger point that he’s worked on in the mirror for weeks.

I guess this is how some clippers and P90X will do you. His belly button looks like the Illuminati eye though. Conspiracy theorists UNITE!!!

0:56

Whooaaa…shaky start there cowboy.  Them aint the sounds of lovemaking…  Still one can’t front as Young Ty definitely has a voice better than most highschool folks especially considering he’s got the extra sponge padding on the My 1st Toshiba mic.  You can instantly tell the boy has a gift as his voice and “my shirt is so big my pocket is under my armpit” presence completely drowns out the slightly too small backdrop and other closet remnants chillin in the cut.

1:33

No doubt.  Dude’s passion is real.  And despite the lack of a “Ribbon in the Sky” instrumental, at 1:46 he provides his own mini beat box to let the critics know he don’t need no stinking music.  Also, at 1:53 he shows he don’t need no stinking choreography as his shoulders give the catalyst for in sync vocal calesthetics unwitnessed by mankind to date.

2:09

After taking one of them hellafied swallows that all performers know about but usually mask a little better (the chin hair swipe didn’t work killa), he continues to illustrate his mastery of his surroundings by still not opening his eyes.  No need as he rounds out his performance by hitting full stride by belting runs and capping it all off at 3:20 with making a face that he wouldn’t have done if he knew about the pause button.

3:24

Knowing he shut “N-the-Hood” down, he flashes the money making smile and does his confident-coy step knowing that he secured a date with at least the 6th flyest girl in school for prom.  Obviously it was money well spent on the stonewashes. Coca Cola will be calling soon.

Neyo

:00

Hmmmmm…we’re gonna guess the time is circa de Jodeci.  After the homey Snow’s pre-pubescent vocal pitch breaks up the vibe, we run into Golga(?) who we can identify as a young red-haired future great songwriter.  We also witness Steve Harvey monkey boying the kids’ Fazzio’s 5-for-1 specials, not fully realizing that his stylist bought his suit from the same store in a different section.

:40

The boy band are enjoying their Steve Harvey intro on stage as they continuously laugh at his jokes.  (Well, everybody except the first cat and obvious Devante of the group who is a lil too cool to chuckle.)  After realizing he’s laughing too much and cannot show that much of his true sense of humor until he’s written at least one hit for Beyonce, the young Neyo tightens up promptly at 1:00 realizing that G’s don’t smile.

1:30

Taking a cue from Tyrese’s 1st note trainer from the Tyrese video in this post, the group starts off very Sandman worthy.  It is around 1:50 that Neyo looks to his right and realizes he should be solo.  However, before fully abandoning his squad on the spot and right after spotting the definition of fear on Devante and Snow’s face at 2:06, Neyo saves the group by cuing a complex choreographed move that would put the Jabberwokees to shame at 2:15.

2:16

This is one of these poses the photographer throws out as a joke knowing nobody's gonna fa real do. I guess Golgol fooled them huh?

As they continue their Kappa League dance routine, the vocals actually seem to improve.  Still…we’re not outta the water yet.

2:45

Shplammmm…Devante takes the lead, hits the hydraulics, and utters some hellafied off key unintelligible speech that translates to:  “My family was way to supportive of my artistic ambitions.  Word to the Yes Men.”

3:19

Naaw, it still aint over baby…  A cappella Game Proper as the young killas hop into some “oh-oh’s” and gives shout outs to not just the East, but the West side too.

3:35

Happy not to have been boo’d completely off stage, Young Neyo/Golgol and company scurry off stage, not realizing that they were sposed to return the mics.  As they do so, Neyo begins to contemplate a song writing career as the rest of the group begins to get their story together for the eventual Neyo Behind the Music.

3:49

One ignant nigga gets that last boo in.  Classic.

********************

I must apologize.  After being impressed by the Lil Wayne, Eminem, and Drake performance at the Grammy’s yesterday (despite half of it was in silence), I tried to find some early “worthy” performance footage of them, but came up short.  I guess they were always cold performers. Word to Drake’s stanky leg at 1:00.