Looking for a Few Good……

 

 

You know as of late..I have been trying to be a better mate and open up the lines of communication  with my baby gal and although I sometimes wish that a crow bar would fly in her mouth while she is talking…Well….For the most part, this communication thing aint half bad…You see, the other night she wanted to pour her lil shiny soul out to me and express just how much she loves a G …Awwww..But then shortly afterwards she decided to talk about how she was worrying  about my music career… Where is that flying crow bar when you need it!  Well as my face was like, Speak on it, my Lil Pretty Chocolate Thang..My mind was somewhere else (Duke vs. Wisconsin)…So as she continued to talk and I pretended to listen by occasionally making weird “I understand” faces and nodding my head as if I was agreeing with her…In the midst of all that, I accidentally heard her say something about finding a way to get MORE money on these niggaz bc record sales alone aint gone assure that she can finally stop shopping out of Target’s 75% off racks….But it was at that moment that I decided to stop watching the Duke vs. Wisconsin game and actually listen to her…Ok.Ok..OK…really the game was over and I was hoping that if  I actually looked her in the eyes while she was talking to me that..maybe….just maybe…she would confuse this with an intimate moment and give me some inspiration to remix a Luke Skywalker song. She didn’t..BUT, she HAD a good point…And since she still had her pants on, I continued to listen….And at the end of the discussion, I could only think of two things…

1. Maybe if I rub her leg and look her in the eyes then maybe we can go ahead and get this Luke Skywalker remix popping..

2. What else could I do that isnt selling out and something that I also love  (besides doing what every Black person dreams of doing and  open up a barber shop/beauty salon) in order to get MORE $$$$..Hmmmmm?

So I knocked on the doors of the  internet and did what I always do…

A. Check my email to see if them Africans that have a ton of money but have nowhere to put it…Have sent my check for $100 billion dollars in hopes that I will give their cousin-in-laws in America some cab fare money….

B. Go to my favorite sites and get some inspiration…

And as soon them doors cracked open…Who did I see? ..Yes Indeed, Uncle Snoop…Peep Game.

So I started to think..(shortly after I pondered what it would be like if Too $hort did a GPS voice over and hearing him say B*&^H whenever you make a wrong turn…) how can I use my natural talents and resources in order to expand my getting money scheme? So I wrote down some things that I have a grand knowledge of and then I evaluated how I can be innovative in my approach to use this knowledge to get $$$…And I came to realize through deep resource that there is one thing that I have intense training in….Drumroll please!

 

HOES

Who photoshopped that man’s chest on that woman in the chart? Not funny.

 

Yes. That is it! After thinking for so so so long…I have finally realized what my calling is..And that is to help the hoes of the world..WHY? Simply bc HOES GONNA EAT TOO!  Now let me say now that I am not talking about our beautiful women when I speak about these hoes…But I am talking about..THESE HOES…of course..You see I have been studying this species for quite some time now and just like my own people..these hoes may be known as endangered species soon simply because they are killing themselves…So in order to stop the bleeding, I have decided to start the very 1st HOE COLLEGE…But unlike most colleges, were one must submit an application and also submit test scores..well…we here at IATL HOE COLLEGE will not be taking application! NOT ONE…..But instead, we have a tried and tested method that we will be using called the SNATCH A HOE method..Now I dont believe that you can truly change a hoe so this college isnt going to try to change em but instead educate them…Yes THIS IS A COLLEGE…And the 1st hoe that I would snatch up for this prestigious college would be…….

 

 

Yes…it brings me great pleasure to introduce the first entry…… Jaimee Grubbs…Yes indeed…Tiger’s side piece of wet thigh…Wait….Wait…Wait…Let’s take a look at Tiger’s response……

 

 

 

 

Now…Now…Tiger no need to get all excited..Because we here at IATL HOE COLLEGE are striving to  be the Stanford and Yale amongst other institutions…SO…not only are we snatching up Jamiee but we are recruiting one of the strongest classes EVER and we will be snatching up YOUR ENTIRE ROSTER! YES….Now, not only do we have a starting 5 but we also have a practice squad! Allow me to introduce the IATLHC All-Stars……Clap for em!!!!!!!

2.)    Rachel Uchitel (PG). The club hostess was the first of the women to be linked to Woods after the National Enquirer reported that she traveled to Australia to be with Woods during a golf tournament there. So far, she has denied the affair.

3.)    Kalika Moquin. The 27-year-old club manager from Las Vegas is reported to have had a brief sexual relationship with Woods. She would neither confirm nor deny the report.

4.)    Cori Rist. The 31-year-old swimsuit model reportedly met Woods at a Manhattan club last year before they began a sexual relationship that led to Woods flying her out to various secret locations for hook-ups, and her introducing the golfer to her 7-year-old son.

5.)    Jamie Jungers. The 26-year-old, who sold her story to a British newspaper, is a former employee of Trashy Girls Lingerie. She said she met Woods in Las Vegas.

6.)    Mindy Lawton. The 33-year-old pancake house waitress from Orlando claims she was dumped by Woods in 2007. According to the Post, it was her affair with Woods that was caught on camera by the National Enquirer, when he was snapped dropping her off at her trailer park. The threatening news later led to a Woods Men’s Fitness cover in exchange for the magazine’s silence about the alleged affair, the New York Post reports.

7.)    Holly Sampson. The 36-year-old from Los Angeles is a former porn star, who has starred in such films as “OMG, Stop Tickling Me” and “Flying Solo 2.” According to the Sun, she has neither confirmed nor denied her affair with Woods.

8.)    Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 8 (Inactive). A former cocktail waitress from Orlando, Fla. does want to reveal her identity yet, according to her attorney Michael O’Quinn. But this she has said: at the time the affair allegedly began, she was 20 years old and met Woods at the Roxy in Orlando, where she was a VIP server.

9.)    Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 9 (Inactive)is reported to be a “sexy” British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married.

10.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 10(Inactive). is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.”

Now..Now…Another reaction for Tiger……..

Wait!… So you taking ALL MY HOES?

 

Yes indeed…All of them!!…You see as I stated before that the goal for IATLHC isnt to change a hoe but instead educate a hoe….And the 1st lesson that our college will teach is to never expose YOURSELF!! You see there are great benefits that come with being a side hoe of someone of great magnitude….And once you expose yourself…Although you believe that you are coming clean and setting the record straight…Really…Nobody hears you when you are speaking bc the world is looking at your breasticles and anus and pretty lips..pondering if you partake in Lewinsky methods…And you will still be seen as a hoe…Of course you may get to write a book or go on a few talk shows for about a month or two…But after that when someone googles your name..It will forever state YOUR NAME-FAMOUS PERSON’s side hoe….

So to our 1st class ..I leave them with this…TIGER WOODS IS A BILLIONAIRE! A BILLIONAIRE…So if you going to go to college and hoe around anyway and hope to get a decent job where you will probably bust -it- wide open until you are the executive assistant..Well..you might as well continue to work (hoe) for a billion dollar company (Tiger Wood) and then you can set your own salary and get $$$ before you EXPOSED YOURSELF and then you can add your book money on to that..SMH…Class dismissed….

Oh and thanks sweetie for the talk…WE GONE MAKE IT with this one!!!!!!..I believe we will be able to move from the 75% off racks to the 30% off racks…real soon, baby..REAL SOON!

 

And what is a college without a theme song?